Letting go of God

For me the transition from theist to atheist was not easy. The only words that feel adaquet are this: Letting go of the god concept mentally was time consuming but uncomplicated, letting go of god emotionally was painfully unyielding.

There came a point in my life when I could no longer refuse there is no rational reason to believe in a deity. However there was a pervading feeling that I must believe in a deity. It was like saying goodbye to a dear friend. I had poured my heart out to God on many occasions. I had sincerely believed he was helping me endure lifes hardships with his holy spirit. God had been one of my closest friends since the time I could  understand the concept of friendship.

And now, I realized, he had always been in my imagination. The realization that I carried an imaginary friend into my early 20's was unsettling. It left me feeling unsure simply how to say goodbye to this comrade. God had been a companion that always available for talking and sharing my innermost secrets and fears. A consoling shoulder that was always there. Every time I retreated into privacy and had a conversation with God I was convinced there was a real intelligence listening and caring about me personally.

Nevertheless what is learned can not be unlearned. There was no going back and no replacing my imaginary friend. It was impossible to deny it on a analytical level. However it took months, perhaps the better part of a year, to feel comfortable with the realization I was a non-believer.

I couldn't have known it beforehand but there are many advantages to letting go of the god concept. Other than a caring confidant, god had also been a watchdog who never slept. It was often necessary to dismiss the thought god was watching me commit sins with a dissapointed frown. Most of these dismissals  eventually caught up with me and at certain times in my life induced large amounts of guilt. With the acceptance that god is imaginary came the realization that the sin concept is just as fictional.

Instead of relying on a predetermined set of rules I began to develop my own code of ethics. This in itself was a difficult and arduous task that took years. As a personal code it is always open to adjustment as I learn and grow as an individual. The end result was well worth the effort. I find a great deal of personal comfort and happiness living by a set of ethics that I have decided upon myself.

Accepting personal responsiblity is now much more important to me. I can't use the scapegoat "I'm just a weak sinner" and "satan is constantly trying to tempt me". Nor can I fall back on "asking god for forgivness". In my current worldview I must accept responsiblty for my actions and recognize there is no intelligent spernatural force forgiving me if I follow an unethical course.

I'll admit letting go of god was laborious for me on a personal level, but nothing in life worthwhile comes easy. I can say without reservation it was worth the effort, research, soul-searching and time. Life without imaginary friends is far more satisfying.